I'm a firefighter/EMT. Last month we worked a scene where a good man (and police officer) got run down while deploying a spike strip by a long-listed felon. My department worked the perp. The perp was later declared fine and we found that he had faked his injuries. We had already airlifted the perp because we couldn’t determine the problem. All EMTs thought he was faking, but it was illegal to refuse transport. The officer was declared dead at the scene.
All police and rescue personnel at that scene are still receiving help for their trauma.
I've been doing this for a few of years, so of course I admit to becoming a bit calloused. Most people in this field have a psychic callous across their feelings. It protects me…that thick, unfeeling crust cocoons that part of me that yearns to relive the pain of every call. How else can we go back to bed at night? But the things I've seen that give me nightmares are not the screams of pain, the last gasps of broken bodies…the burning dreams, or dead pets that I exhume…
Sometimes the “those fireman didn’t do it right” rumors give me a pause of anger and the “fark this…it’s not worth it!” feelings have almost made me quit more times than I can count.
I want to quit right now because of these rumors.
But I eat it. I always eat it. I realize people don’t really know what we do…they really don’t understand why we didn’t save their garage when they had acetylene tanks exploding in it. They think we failed and they spew hatred at us at the local gas station and convenient stores. The “you incompetent bastards took 10 minutes to get here while my house burned” quote is ever-present. What horse****. We were onscene within 4 minutes and had planned water on it within 7 minutes.
I pray to God when my pager wakes me and I race to your aid. I pull my pants on, throw my battered Nikes on and flail into my car. I want to help you. It’s what I live for. I pray for speed, knowledge, and guidance to help you every night.
But that’s not what haunts me.
It’s the “I'll-take-what-i-DESERVE people” that keep me up at night. Just before I drift off, sometimes I see Them and I wake up and pace the house. How can a fellow human really feel like that?
The young girl that watches her mother having a heart attack and is ****ed that she won’t drive her to her (shiat I forget the term but I think it's “WIK” (minnesota)... basically single mother welfare) meeting. An abandoned 78 year old lady that is bleeding thru her own shiat and now can’t stand up…and her very large family hasn’t seen her for 10 years. The 35 yr old son who is ****ed that I take his mother out of her home whose sewage has flooded the entire basement and now our gas meters are going off the scale. The meth-head parents that don’t believe that their child really did try to commit suicide with 75 Tylenol. It gets worse…so much worse that I bury parts of myself when I block the memories and try to go back to bed.
I sometimes wish people could brush up against evil some day…then shudder and gasp in surprise; staggering backward in confusion…look into that person's eyes and realize they really don't know that they are doing an evil thing. They always think they are doing the right thing. They ALWAYS think they are doing the right thing.
Just like you.
There ARE truly evil people. They just don't know it.
These people live next to you and me, and I am their protector.
Sometimes I hate what I do.
I wrote this a few weeks ago. Evil isn't the word I need for that. It's different. It's jealousy, entitlement, fear... h3ll... I don't understand it, but I can smell it when I walk in the door. It's really not sinister...just...angry.
I thought you 'guys' might find this somewhat useful. If you feel like yelling at me...please use the forums. If you want to shout out support or guidance, please email me at firstname.lastname@example.org AND use the forum.
Godspeed, my friends.
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Thread: How can I get past this?
09-28-2005, 01:32 AM #1
- Join Date
- Sep 2005
How can I get past this?
09-28-2005, 02:04 AM #2battered NikesPsychiatrists state 1 in 4 people has a mental illness.
Look at three of your friends, if they are ok, your it.
09-28-2005, 02:31 AM #3
- Join Date
- Sep 2005
Yeah... heh.. they're all busted up because my dog ate the laces. I use them for fire calls (change out for my boots) and use my redwings for medical calls.
My dog ate my homework.
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