Santa's Southern Replacement: Bubba Claus
My brother actually spotted this little gem...apparently Union Negotiations also cover The Jolly Old Elf himself...managed to snag his third cousin a job, too! ;)
---- MEMO -----
To: Southern USA Residents
RE: Replacement Santa
I regret to inform you that effective immediately, I will no longer be able
to serve the Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to overwhelming
current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North
American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now serve only certain areas of
Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin and Michigan. As part of the new and
better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that
in mind. However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with
your local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His
side of the family is from the South pole. He shares my goal of delivering
toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences
between us. Differences such as:
1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus.
He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: "These toys
insured by Smith & Wesson."
2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave a RC
Cola and pork rinds (or a moon pie) on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't
smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit
3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead
of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one
time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.
4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen..." when Bubba
Claus arrives. Instead you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and
LaBonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliot and Petty."
5. "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also are likely to
hear Bubba's elves reply, "I her'd dat!"
6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a
Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words, "Back Off!" The
last I heard it also had other decorations on the sleigh back as well. One
is Ford or Chevy logo with lights that race through the letters and the
other is a caricature of me (Santa Claus) peeing on the Tooth Fairy.
7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and
"It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area.
Instead, you will see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit
IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of State Patrol cars
crashing into each other.
8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you, the
wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents
under the tree.
9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me like "Rudolph
the Red-nosed Reindeer" and Bing Crosby's "Santa Claus Is Coming To Town".
This year, songs about Bubba Claus will be played on all the AM radio
stations in the South. These song titles will be Mark Chesnutt's "Bubba
Claus shot the jukebox"; Cledus T. Judd's, "All I want for Christmas is my
Woman and a Six-opack", and Hank Williams Jr's "If You Don't Like Bubba
Claus, You Shove It."
Santa Claus(Member of North American Fairies and Elves Local 209)
I don't know what to call him, but...
The California equivalent of "Bubba Claus" would like a microbrew beer instead of the milk and cookies. He smokes a bong instead of a pipe. He doesn't have any animals pulling his sleigh - it is powered by clean natural gas. In fact it's not a sleigh at all, but a flying surfboard. Instead of "Ho, ho, ho" he is most often heard saying "Dude, where's my sack?" (of toys, of course).