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Thread: Santa's Southern Replacement: Bubba Claus

  1. #1
    MembersZone Subscriber britfan1's Avatar
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    Default Santa's Southern Replacement: Bubba Claus

    My brother actually spotted this little gem...apparently Union Negotiations also cover The Jolly Old Elf himself...managed to snag his third cousin a job, too!



    ---- MEMO -----

    To: Southern USA Residents
    From: Santa
    RE: Replacement Santa


    I regret to inform you that effective immediately, I will no longer be able
    to serve the Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to overwhelming
    current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North
    American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now serve only certain areas of
    Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin and Michigan. As part of the new and
    better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that
    in mind. However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with
    your local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His
    side of the family is from the South pole. He shares my goal of delivering
    toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences
    between us. Differences such as:

    1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus.
    He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: "These toys
    insured by Smith & Wesson."

    2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave a RC
    Cola and pork rinds (or a moon pie) on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't
    smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit
    can handy.

    3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead
    of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one
    time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.

    4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen..." when Bubba
    Claus arrives. Instead you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and
    LaBonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliot and Petty."

    5. "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also are likely to
    hear Bubba's elves reply, "I her'd dat!"

    6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a
    Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words, "Back Off!" The
    last I heard it also had other decorations on the sleigh back as well. One
    is Ford or Chevy logo with lights that race through the letters and the
    other is a caricature of me (Santa Claus) peeing on the Tooth Fairy.

    7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and
    "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area.
    Instead, you will see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit
    IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of State Patrol cars
    crashing into each other.

    8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you, the
    wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents
    under the tree.

    9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me like "Rudolph
    the Red-nosed Reindeer" and Bing Crosby's "Santa Claus Is Coming To Town".
    This year, songs about Bubba Claus will be played on all the AM radio
    stations in the South. These song titles will be Mark Chesnutt's "Bubba
    Claus shot the jukebox"; Cledus T. Judd's, "All I want for Christmas is my
    Woman and a Six-opack", and Hank Williams Jr's "If You Don't Like Bubba
    Claus, You Shove It."

    Sincerely Yours,
    Santa Claus(Member of North American Fairies and Elves Local 209)
    firecat1 likes this.


  2. #2
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    What about LeRoy the REDNECK reindeer?

    Isn't he replacing Santa's entire team?
    FOR HE WHO SERVES HIS FELLOWS IS OF ALL HIS FELLOWS GREATEST

    IACOJ

  3. #3
    MembersZone Subscriber MalahatTwo7's Avatar
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    Too funny
    If you don't do it RIGHT today, when will you have time to do it over? (Hall of Fame basketball player/coach John Wooden)

    "I may be slow, but my work is poor." Chief Dave Balding, MVFD

    "Its not Rocket Science. Just use a LITTLE imagination." (Me)

    Get it up. Get it on. Get it done!

    impossible solved cotidie. miracles postulo viginti - quattuor hora animadverto

    IACOJ member: Cheers, Play safe y'all.

  4. #4
    Forum Member spearsm's Avatar
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    Actually, the mudflaps should have the chrome naked ladies.
    YGBSM!
    Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

    If all you have is a hammer, then your problems start to look like nails.
    ___________________

    IACOJ
    Southern Division.

  5. #5
    Forum Member Dave1983's Avatar
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    Come to think of it, I saw Bubba at the mall last week.
    Fire Marshal/Safety Officer

    IAAI-NFPA-IAFC/VCOS-Retired IAFF

    "No his mind is not for rent, to any god or government"
    RUSH-Tom Sawyer

    Success is when skill meets opportunity
    Failure is when fantasy meets reality

  6. #6
    Forum Member fireguy919's Avatar
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    I will count my luck stars that I live in Ohio and will continue to have Santa coming to my house. Never thought I would be glad to be in Ohio in the winter.
    Training does not make perfect. Training makes permanent!

    IACOJ probie

  7. #7
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    Default I don't know what to call him, but...

    The California equivalent of "Bubba Claus" would like a microbrew beer instead of the milk and cookies. He smokes a bong instead of a pipe. He doesn't have any animals pulling his sleigh - it is powered by clean natural gas. In fact it's not a sleigh at all, but a flying surfboard. Instead of "Ho, ho, ho" he is most often heard saying "Dude, where's my sack?" (of toys, of course).
    -------;- "Aaaaa!!"
    Remember - always wear your helmet around one-eyed women with pike poles

  8. #8
    MembersZone Subscriber MalahatTwo7's Avatar
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    Single Woman
    A little old lady is sitting on a park bench in a Trailer Park.Bubba walks over and sits down on the other end of the bench.
    After a few moments, the woman asks, "Are you a stranger here?"
    Bubba replies, "I used to live here years ago."
    "So, where were you all these years?"
    "In prison," Bubba says.
    "For what did they put you in prison?"
    Bubba looks at her, and very quietly says, "I killed my wife."
    "Oh," says the woman. "So you're single..."
    If you don't do it RIGHT today, when will you have time to do it over? (Hall of Fame basketball player/coach John Wooden)

    "I may be slow, but my work is poor." Chief Dave Balding, MVFD

    "Its not Rocket Science. Just use a LITTLE imagination." (Me)

    Get it up. Get it on. Get it done!

    impossible solved cotidie. miracles postulo viginti - quattuor hora animadverto

    IACOJ member: Cheers, Play safe y'all.

  9. #9
    Forum Member CaptOldTimer's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by peter50 View Post
    I have also keen interest of surfboard, I also used to ride it whenever I got Holiday and we friends go to beach...

    This thread is 7 years old
    Stay Safe and Well Out There....

    Always remembering 9-11-2001 and 343+ Brothers

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