1. #1
    IACOJ BOD
    FlyingKiwi's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2002
    Location
    New Zealand
    Posts
    4,757

    Default How history really happened

    Adjusted World History - As it "really - - really" happened

    Humans existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunter/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer & would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in winter.

    The 2 most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer.
    These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into 2 distinct subgroups: Liberals and Conservatives.

    Once beer was discovered it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early human ancestors were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.

    Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as "the Conservative movement."

    Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing the sewing, fetching and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement. Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as 'girliemen.'

    Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy and group hugs and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.

    Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.

    Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare.

    Another interesting revolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't "fair" to make the pitcher also bat.

    Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines, and generally anyone who works productively.
    Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.

    Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to "govern" the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tame and created a business of trying to get MORE for nothing.

    Here ends today's lesson in world history:
    Psychiatrists state 1 in 4 people has a mental illness.
    Look at three of your friends, if they are ok, your it.

  2. #2
    IACOJ BOD
    FlyingKiwi's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2002
    Location
    New Zealand
    Posts
    4,757

    Default Think about it. but not for long.


    Two Iraqis had just finished their bomb-making class and were showering. One noticed the other had a large cork stuck in his rear-end.

    "Abdul, that looks very uncomfortable."

    "Yes, yes. It is exceedingly uncomfortable."

    "How did it come to be?"

    "I was walking along the beach and found a lamp. I rubbed it and, by Allah, I say to you out boiled a large man with white hair and beard and attired in red, white and blue! He said he was Uncle Sam the genie, and offered me a wish."

    "I said, 'No sh**!'"
    Psychiatrists state 1 in 4 people has a mental illness.
    Look at three of your friends, if they are ok, your it.

  3. #3
    MembersZone Subscriber
    MalahatTwo7's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2002
    Location
    Loco madidus effercio in rutilus effercio.
    Posts
    12,837

    Default

    Thank you Ian, I needed that for a Monday Morning kick-start.
    If you don't do it RIGHT today, when will you have time to do it over? (Hall of Fame basketball player/coach John Wooden)

    "I may be slow, but my work is poor." Chief Dave Balding, MVFD

    "Its not Rocket Science. Just use a LITTLE imagination." (Me)

    Get it up. Get it on. Get it done!

    impossible solved cotidie. miracles postulo viginti - quattuor hora animadverto

    IACOJ member: Cheers, Play safe y'all.

  4. #4
    Forum Member
    res54cuecaptain's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2006
    Location
    Somewhere over the rainbow....
    Posts
    276

    Default

    wow....i never history could be soo much fun! could we do a reenactment?

  5. #5
    Forum Member
    scfire86's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2004
    Location
    HB
    Posts
    10,330

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by FlyingKiwi
    Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added)
    You're correct about one thing. This liberal loves Steinlager.

    I guess I missed the part of my upbringing that said wanton killing was a good thing.
    Last edited by scfire86; 07-10-2006 at 03:16 PM.
    Politics is like driving. To go forward select "D", to go backward select "R."

  6. #6
    MembersZone Subscriber

    Join Date
    Jul 2005
    Posts
    252

    Default

    Wow -

    I'm a liberal who loves to eat copious amounts of meat, drinks Budweiser from a can, contributes to the local community as a firefighter, is productive and has never taken a handout from the government or anyone else, and I'm not fond of Europe.

    But I guess that's all because I have more testosterone than my liberal male counterparts.

    I believe if you researched it you'd find that on a global level, pound for pound, donkeys do more work for us than elephants.

    -------;- "Aaaaa!!"
    Remember - always wear your helmet around one-eyed women with pike poles

  7. #7
    Forum Member
    scfire86's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2004
    Location
    HB
    Posts
    10,330

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by baileydonk
    I believe if you researched it you'd find that on a global level, pound for pound, donkeys do more work for us than elephants.

    And as every good christian knows, Jesus entered Jerusalem riding.....a donkey. Not an elephant. Only reinforcing that Jesus was a liberal.

    That's all I need to make up my mind.
    Politics is like driving. To go forward select "D", to go backward select "R."

  8. #8
    IACOJ BOD
    FlyingKiwi's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2002
    Location
    New Zealand
    Posts
    4,757

    Default

    This liberal loves Steinlager
    Why do you think we export 70 % of that rubbish????

    The other 30 % is drunk by tourists who don't know any better.
    Psychiatrists state 1 in 4 people has a mental illness.
    Look at three of your friends, if they are ok, your it.

  9. #9
    MembersZone Subscriber
    Ladder8's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2002
    Location
    Possum Lodge
    Posts
    848

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by scfire86
    And as every good christian knows, Jesus entered Jerusalem riding.....a donkey. Not an elephant. Only reinforcing that Jesus was a liberal.

    That's all I need to make up my mind.

    ...and the liberals have been on our ***** ever since...
    Be safe y'all!
    IACOJ Animal Control
    Ladder 8
    "Quando Omni Flunkus Moritati"

  10. #10
    Forum Member
    scfire86's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2004
    Location
    HB
    Posts
    10,330

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by FlyingKiwi
    Why do you think we export 70 % of that rubbish????

    The other 30 % is drunk by tourists who don't know any better.
    And if you drank American beer you'd understand. If Steinlager is rubbish the alternative is even worse.
    Politics is like driving. To go forward select "D", to go backward select "R."

  11. #11
    IACOJ BOD
    FlyingKiwi's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2002
    Location
    New Zealand
    Posts
    4,757

    Default

    Tried a wee mouthfull of "bud" once.

    Realised then that I knew what BEER tasted like.

    And that was not it.

    Imagine how hard I laughed when I first saw the adverts for BUD LIGHT come out. I thought the first lot was light, this HAS to be BAD.
    Psychiatrists state 1 in 4 people has a mental illness.
    Look at three of your friends, if they are ok, your it.

  12. #12
    MembersZone Subscriber
    MalahatTwo7's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2002
    Location
    Loco madidus effercio in rutilus effercio.
    Posts
    12,837

    Default

    Well ya see, Ian, you know that Budweiser is hauled around by them huge Clydesdale horses, right? The problem is, how do you think those big barrels in the wagon get filled? It sure ain't by any brewer. What you don't see is there are these hoses connected from the horses direct into the barrels................
    Last edited by MalahatTwo7; 07-11-2006 at 02:54 PM.
    If you don't do it RIGHT today, when will you have time to do it over? (Hall of Fame basketball player/coach John Wooden)

    "I may be slow, but my work is poor." Chief Dave Balding, MVFD

    "Its not Rocket Science. Just use a LITTLE imagination." (Me)

    Get it up. Get it on. Get it done!

    impossible solved cotidie. miracles postulo viginti - quattuor hora animadverto

    IACOJ member: Cheers, Play safe y'all.

  13. #13
    Forum Member
    scfire86's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2004
    Location
    HB
    Posts
    10,330

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by FlyingKiwi
    Imagine how hard I laughed when I first saw the adverts for BUD LIGHT come out. I thought the first lot was light, this HAS to be BAD.
    And you would be correct.
    Politics is like driving. To go forward select "D", to go backward select "R."

  14. #14
    55 Years & Still Rolling
    hwoods's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2002
    Location
    Glenn Dale Md, Heart of the P.G. County Fire Belt....
    Posts
    10,740

    Talking Real Beer!!.......................

    The REAL BEER in this world MUST adhere to the following:

    1. Real Beer is brewed in America.

    2. Real Beer is a proud sponsor of at least 1 NASCAR Team.

    3. Real Beer is formulated to taste best when consumed within earshot of Country or Bluegrass Music.

    4. Real Beer is consumed by people who's favorite Clothes designer is Levi Strauss.

    5. Real Beer is Bottled in Brown Longnecks.
    Never use Force! Get a Bigger Hammer.
    In memory of
    Chief Earle W. Woods, 1912 - 1997
    Asst. Chief John R. Woods Sr. 1937 - 2006

    IACOJ Budget Analyst

    I Refuse to be a Spectator. If I come to the Game, I'm Playing.

    www.gdvfd18.com

  15. #15
    Forum Member
    Lewiston2FF's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2000
    Location
    Niagara Falls, NY, USA
    Posts
    1,924

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by hwoods
    The REAL BEER in this world MUST adhere to the following:

    1. Real Beer is brewed in America.

    2. Real Beer is a proud sponsor of at least 1 NASCAR Team.

    3. Real Beer is formulated to taste best when consumed within earshot of Country or Bluegrass Music.

    4. Real Beer is consumed by people who's favorite Clothes designer is Levi Strauss.

    5. Real Beer is Bottled in Brown Longnecks.
    I wonder if that includes Labatt's?

    http://www.cbc.ca/arts/tv/nascar.html

    Shawn M. Cecula
    Firefighter
    IACOJ Division of Fire and EMS

  16. #16
    Forum Member
    DeputyChiefGonzo's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2000
    Location
    Somewhere between genius and insanity!
    Posts
    13,586

    Talking

    Quote Originally Posted by hwoods
    The REAL BEER in this world MUST adhere to the following:

    1. Real Beer is brewed in America.

    2. Real Beer is a proud sponsor of at least 1 NASCAR Team.

    3. Real Beer is formulated to taste best when consumed within earshot of Country or Bluegrass Music.

    4. Real Beer is consumed by people who's favorite Clothes designer is Levi Strauss.

    5. Real Beer is Bottled in Brown Longnecks.
    When did Sam Adams start sponsoring a NASCAR team?

    "Buttweiser" and "Swiller" are hardly real.. more like colored water (and they taste like it too!)
    ‎"The education of a firefighter and the continued education of a firefighter is what makes "real" firefighters. Continuous skill development is the core of progressive firefighting. We learn by doing and doing it again and again, both on the training ground and the fireground."
    Lt. Ray McCormack, FDNY

  17. #17
    Forum Member

    Join Date
    Jun 2002
    Location
    Alberta
    Posts
    729

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by hwoods
    The REAL BEER in this world MUST adhere to the following:

    1. Real Beer is brewed in America.

    2. Real Beer is a proud sponsor of at least 1 NASCAR Team.

    3. Real Beer is formulated to taste best when consumed within earshot of Country or Bluegrass Music.

    4. Real Beer is consumed by people who's favorite Clothes designer is Levi Strauss.

    5. Real Beer is Bottled in Brown Longnecks.
    Sorry but #1 is patently wrong. Real beer is brewed in Canada and/or Ireland. As the saying goes American beer is like making love in a canoe, it's ******* near water.

    I'll agree for the most part on the other four although I am partial to Wrangler when it comes to jeans.

  18. #18
    55 Years & Still Rolling
    hwoods's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2002
    Location
    Glenn Dale Md, Heart of the P.G. County Fire Belt....
    Posts
    10,740

    Talking Well..........

    Redneck that I am, I admit to not knowing a whole lot about beer anyway. However, Bourbon is another story. A group of friends including Jack Daniels, Jim Beam, George Dickel, Jerimiah Weed, and others, have been known to liven up a lot of parties over the years. They are also able to set the tone, alter the mood, and accompany us musicians as needed. I'd have never been able to write a Ballad about Rufus' old Coon Dog leaving him for a young pup, if Jack hadn't been there to help. A good Tennessee Whiskey (from Lynchburg Tn. of course) is always in demand to help the Band sound better.
    Last edited by hwoods; 07-11-2006 at 05:18 PM.
    Never use Force! Get a Bigger Hammer.
    In memory of
    Chief Earle W. Woods, 1912 - 1997
    Asst. Chief John R. Woods Sr. 1937 - 2006

    IACOJ Budget Analyst

    I Refuse to be a Spectator. If I come to the Game, I'm Playing.

    www.gdvfd18.com

  19. #19
    Forum Member
    Lewiston2FF's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2000
    Location
    Niagara Falls, NY, USA
    Posts
    1,924

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by manofire2
    Sorry but #1 is patently wrong. Real beer is brewed in Canada and/or Ireland. As the saying goes American beer is like making love in a canoe, it's ******* near water.

    I'll agree for the most part on the other four although I am partial to Wrangler when it comes to jeans.
    Contrary to what many Canadians think, Canada is part of the North American continent and therefore should be considered American.
    Shawn M. Cecula
    Firefighter
    IACOJ Division of Fire and EMS

  20. #20
    Forum Member
    Rescue101's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2001
    Location
    Bridgton,Me USA
    Posts
    8,162

    Default

    Screw the beer,set sail with the Cap'n and never leave dry land.Pretty good history lesson tho',leave it to Kiwi. T.C.

  21. #21
    Forum Member

    Join Date
    Jun 2002
    Location
    Alberta
    Posts
    729

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Lewiston2Capt
    Contrary to what many Canadians think, Canada is part of the North American continent and therefore should be considered American.
    I couldn't agree more but that isn't the general connotation. I am of course being facetious, I happen to love American (US that is) beer. Come to think of it I pretty much love beer regardless of its pedigree. To paraphraze Will Rogers, "I never met a beer I didn't like".

    I also am fond of my friends from the Land of the free and the home of the brave and I will poke fun of them every chance I get. If you take offence, that's your problem, come on up north and I'll introduce you to Extra Old Stock. You'll have your head stuck in a bucket in no time.

  22. #22
    Forum Member

    Join Date
    Aug 2005
    Location
    Whangaparaoa Peninsular North Island New Zealand
    Posts
    468

    Talking Not to us,Mate.

    Quote Originally Posted by Lewiston2Capt
    Contrary to what many Canadians think, Canada is part of the North American continent and therefore should be considered American.
    Us lot down here in the Antipodes always refer to your bit as "Lower Canada"

  23. #23
    MembersZone Subscriber

    Join Date
    Jan 2006
    Posts
    2,439

    Default

    Irish Beer, Canadian Beer, AMERICAN BEER???????

    You guys are all crazy, only Germans make the good stuff, and only in Germany can you enjoy pretty little things drinking beers by the Liter.

    Last edited by MarcusKspn; 07-11-2006 at 11:57 PM. Reason: Too many pretty little things

  24. #24
    Forum Member

    Join Date
    Mar 2004
    Posts
    177

    Default

    Hooray Beer!

  25. #25
    MembersZone Subscriber

    Join Date
    Apr 2003
    Location
    cartersville,ga,usa
    Posts
    21

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by MarcusKspn
    Irish Beer, Canadian Beer, AMERICAN BEER???????

    You guys are all crazy, only Germans make the good stuff, and only in Germany can you enjoy pretty little things drinking beers by the Liter.

    i didnt see any beer in that picture
    and i prefer pabst blue ribbon myself

Thread Information

Users Browsing this Thread

There are currently 1 users browsing this thread. (0 members and 1 guests)

Similar Threads

  1. Some help with history
    By matt363 in forum Fire Buffs' Firehouse
    Replies: 1
    Last Post: 02-28-2006, 10:57 PM
  2. Big Thank You to Canada
    By GeorgeWendtCFI in forum The Off Duty Forums
    Replies: 48
    Last Post: 09-06-2005, 12:10 PM
  3. John Kerry's Global Test & his resume
    By mohican in forum The Off Duty Forums
    Replies: 86
    Last Post: 10-15-2004, 01:32 AM
  4. A Hybrid Incident that Never Happened!
    By rmoore in forum University of Extrication
    Replies: 15
    Last Post: 07-04-2004, 04:07 PM
  5. Kerry carries the day in Iowa
    By E40FDNYL35 in forum The Off Duty Forums
    Replies: 191
    Last Post: 03-10-2004, 03:04 AM

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts

Log in

Click here to log in or register