1. #1
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    Default Husband 1.0 - Computer Humor

    A little something to keep your minds off the pending CEDAP awards.

    INSTALLING HUSBAND

    Dear Tech Support,

    Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a
    distinct slow down in overall system performance -- particularly in the
    flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under
    Boyfriend 5.0.

    In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0, NBA 3.0, and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?

    Signed,

    Desperate

    Dear Desperate:

    First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while
    Husband 1.0 is an Operating System. Please enter the command: "http: I
    Thought You Loved Me.html" and try to download Tears 6.2 and don't
    forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

    But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to
    default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta. Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources). Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program.

    These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance.

    We wish Good Luck,

    Tech Support

  2. #2
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    islandfire03's Avatar
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    Default someones really bored

    Wow one bugle must be really bored waiting for the application period to open.

  3. #3
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    LFD1MICHAEL's Avatar
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    Default

    obvious cut and paste. Hope the wife didn't send you the original

  4. #4
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    Default

    Is there a "Anti Nagging Virus 6.0"? If so let me know.

    Family complaining because they get no computer time because I am waiting for the PG to start.

  5. #5
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    Talking

    Last year a friend of mine upgraded GirlFriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that it's a memory hog leaving very little system resources for other applications.

    He is only now noticing that Wife 1.0 also is spawning Child-Processes which are further consuming valuable resources. No mention of this particular phenomena was included in the product brochure or the documentation, though other users have informed him that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application.

    Not only that, Wife 1.0 installs itself such that it is always launched at system initialization where it can monitor all other system activity. He's finding that some applications such as PokerNight 10.3, BeerBash 2.5, PubNight 7.0, and Excuses 5.0 are no longer able to run in the system at all, crashing the system when selected (even though they always worked fine before).

    At installation, Wife 1.0 provides no option as to the installation of undesired Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw 55.8 and BrotherInLaw Beta release. Also, system performance seems to diminish with each passing day.

    Some features he'd like to see in the upcoming wife 2.0.

    A "Don't remind me again" button
    Minimize button
    An install shield feature that allows Wife 2.0 be installed with the option to uninstall at anytime without the loss of cache and other system resources.
    An option to run the network driver in promiscuous mode which would allow the systems hardware probe feature to be much more useful.
    I myself decided to avoid all of the headaches associated with Wife 1.0 by sticking with Girlfriend 2.0. Even here, however, I found many problems.

    Apparently you cannot install Girlfriend 2.0 on top of Girlfriend 1.0. You must uninstall Girlfriend 1.0 first. Other users say this is a long standing bug which I should have been aware of. Apparently the versions of Girlfriend have conflicts over shared use of the I/O port. You think they would have fixed such a stupid bug by now. To make matters worse, The uninstall program for Girlfriend 1.0 doesn't work very well leaving undesirable traces of the application in the system.

    Another thing that sucks -- all versions of Girlfriend continually popup little annoying messages about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0

    ***** BUG WARNING ********
    Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient resources.

    *** BUG WORK-AROUNDS ***************
    To avoid the above bug, try installing Mistress 1.1 on a different system and never run any file transfer applications such as Laplink 6.0. Also, beware of similar shareware applications that have been known to carry viruses that may affect Wife 1.0.

    Another solution would be to run Mistress 1.0 via a UseNet provider under an anonymous name. Here again, beware of the viruses which can accidently be downloaded from the UseNet.

    *** UPGRADE VERSION *****************
    Although advertised as being Plug'n'Play, installing the Upgrade version of Wife 1.0 results in several of the better features of Girlfriend 1.0 refusing to continue working. The supposed compatibility with Fast-Car 3.6 & Ski Holiday 6.2 is also flawed, and launching these applications results in strange noises and error messages.

    Wife 1.0 also appears to be totally incompatible with all previous versions of BEST MATE, and some users have reported that continued use of BEST MATE can lead to unwanted sharing of resources and I/O ports unless the System Agent is installed as a background task.

    *** SUMMARY *******************************
    It appears that Girlfriend 1.0 is still one of the best products on the market, especially just after installation. Though not as much fun as CASUALSHAG 63.8 for the power user, it remains relatively reliable and easy on system resources. The timeout feature of Girlfriend is the major problem, and in severe cases can force the user to upgrade to Wife 1.0 with dire consequences on system health.

  6. #6
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    Default

    And

    Dear Xnix Technologies Tech Support:

    Last year I upgraded one of your programs from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0.
    I soon noticed that the new program began an
    unexpected child processing that took up a lot of
    space and valuable resources. No mention of this was
    included with the product information. In addition,
    Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and
    now launches during system initialization, where it
    monitors all other system activity. Applications such
    as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5 .0, Hunting and
    Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6 no longer run, crashing
    the system whenever selected. I can't seem to keep
    Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my
    favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back
    to Girlfriend 7.0, but I do not know how to uninstall
    Wife 1.0.

    Please help!

    Thanks, A Troubled User.



    REPLY:

    Dear Troubled User:

    This is a very common problem that men complain about.
    It is due to a great misconception. Many people
    upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that
    it is merely a Utilities and Entertainment program.

    Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its
    Creator to run EVERYTHING!!!

    It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return
    to Girlfriend 7.0. Hidden operating system files will
    cause Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0, so nothing
    will be gained. It is impossible to uninstall, delete,
    or purge the program files from the system once
    installed. Also, you cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0
    because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this.

    Some have tried Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but ended
    up with more problems than with the original system.
    Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under
    "Warnings-Alimony/Child Support." I recommend that you
    keep Wife
    1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest
    installing the background application "YESDEAR" to
    alleviate software hang-ups. Having installed Wife 1.0
    myself, I also suggest that you read the entire
    section regarding 'General Partnership Faults'!
    (GPFs.)

    Your Wife 1.0 does a scan for GPFs during its monthly
    program maintenance scan (PMS). You must assume joint
    responsibility for any faults and problems that occur,
    regardless of their cause. You will find that GPFs are
    cyclical. The best course of action is to enter the
    command C:\APOLOGIZE.

    Avoid excessive use of C:\YESDEAR because ultimately
    you will have to give the C:\APOLOGIZE command before
    the system will return to normal anyway. Remember, the
    system will run smoothly as long as you share the
    blame for all GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but
    it tends to be very high maintenance.
    Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as
    Clean and
    Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 (which replaces Burn It 1.0),
    and Do Bills 4.2.
    You must, however, be very careful how you use these
    programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch
    the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only
    way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to
    purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1
    and Diamonds 5.0, should this happen.

    WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install
    Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is
    not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible
    damage to the operating system.

    Best of luck,
    XniX TechnologiesTech Support


    Yep, I have way too much time to play!!

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