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  1. #21
    DVFD kldugas412's Avatar
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    Thumbs up Go for it

    Well for one Iím in the same boat that many of you have been in. My wife of 11 yrs thinks I spend too much time at the station. I just keep telling her to calm down I could be drinking in the bars or chasing other women. We have gotten in many heated discussions on this subject. I have told her many times that when I met her I was a FF and will always be this is whether she supports me 100% or not.

    As with most at a profession I did not have an ambition to stay at the bottom of the ranks just as a FF or Engineer. With the increase of rank comes the increase of responsibility. This just compounds the time spent away from home. As of 4 yrs ago I was nominated for the position of AC.
    Before I accepted this nomination I went home and discussed it with my wife at length. I told her that this would mean more time away from home approximately 9-10 hrs a week on top of our normal 14 hrs a month training. Not to mention the calls we run.
    Since this has happened she has gotten involved in the dept. I think she now realizes how close we are in this profession. She has seen us laugh and she has seen us cry. We all have the hard outer shell when we are on the job and the public sees us as invincible. This is far from the truth most of the FF I know just carry our emotions deep in side. The truth is every call brings it closer to the surface. The one thing that every FF needs is a strong person waiting at home.
    She has since had the opportunity to talk at length to the wifeís of the Chief and Deputy Chief. I can happily say with out a doubt in my mind she is my rock. I have returned home many times and my wife has gotten up and just made us both a fresh cup of Joe and let me vent. I still leave out most of what I see but it helps to have that in a spouse(just stit and listen). She understands the human mind is not supposed to see things we do. It can take a while for all of the carnage of a MVA or fire fatality to set in.
    I have found my self getting home after a Fire and going through the house testing the smoke alarms at 0300. All of this is because you try to protect your family from what you have just witnessed. Now all she does is ask if it was bad when I say yes she just says go take a shower and Iíll be waiting. What more could you want from a spouse.


    I say if you love her I mean truly love her donít leave anything out. Trust is the glue that holds it together. She deserves to know the truth of what goes on. She just shoud be spared the gory details. But at the same time I would be hard pressed to say there is any thing better than the love and commitment than the brotherhood of the fire service. Except for a truly loving wife or loved one to come home to.
    Last edited by kldugas412; 05-08-2007 at 03:13 PM. Reason: spelling

    K Dugas
    Duson Vol.Fire Dept.
    FF1 Haz Mat OP's


  2. #22
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    Default beautiful post

    Kldugas, that post brought tears to my eyes. Good for all of us to read. I hope you show what you wrote to your wife because it will mean a lot to her. She sounds like a wonderful woman and spouse - and it sounds like the two of you have what it takes. Thanks for posting.
    Best wishes,
    Amy

  3. #23
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    Quote Originally Posted by kldugas412 View Post
    Well for one Iím in the same boat that many of you have been in. My wife of 11 yrs thinks I spend too much time at the station. I just keep telling her to calm down I could be drinking in the bars or chasing other women. We have gotten in many heated discussions on this subject. I have told her many times that when I met her I was a FF and will always be this is whether she supports me 100% or not.

    As with most at a profession I did not have an ambition to stay at the bottom of the ranks just as a FF or Engineer. With the increase of rank comes the increase of responsibility. This just compounds the time spent away from home. As of 4 yrs ago I was nominated for the position of AC.
    Before I accepted this nomination I went home and discussed it with my wife at length. I told her that this would mean more time away from home approximately 9-10 hrs a week on top of our normal 14 hrs a month training. Not to mention the calls we run.
    Since this has happened she has gotten involved in the dept. I think she now realizes how close we are in this profession. She has seen us laugh and she has seen us cry. We all have the hard outer shell when we are on the job and the public sees us as invincible. This is far from the truth most of the FF I know just carry our emotions deep in side. The truth is every call brings it closer to the surface. The one thing that every FF needs is a strong person waiting at home.
    She has since had the opportunity to talk at length to the wifeís of the Chief and Deputy Chief. I can happily say with out a doubt in my mind she is my rock. I have returned home many times and my wife has gotten up and just made us both a fresh cup of Joe and let me vent. I still leave out most of what I see but it helps to have that in a spouse(just stit and listen). She understands the human mind is not supposed to see things we do. It can take a while for all of the carnage of a MVA or fire fatality to set in.
    I have found my self getting home after a Fire and going through the house testing the smoke alarms at 0300. All of this is because you try to protect your family from what you have just witnessed. Now all she does is ask if it was bad when I say yes she just says go take a shower and Iíll be waiting. What more could you want from a spouse.


    I say if you love her I mean truly love her donít leave anything out. Trust is the glue that holds it together. She deserves to know the truth of what goes on. She just shoud be spared the gory details. But at the same time I would be hard pressed to say there is any thing better than the love and commitment than the brotherhood of the fire service. Except for a truly loving wife or loved one to come home to.

    THANK YOU!

    It was the same way with my wife, except she had two careers to worry about. I was a L.E.O. and always a member of a F.D.. She was very active with the womens aux. with the departments I was with. Always there to talk and listen with what ever career problem that popped up (suicides,murders,fatal fires, etc..) Unfortunatley I miss that, I lost her 4 yrs ago this month, I guess that is why your story hit so close to home. Damn I miss her. We had many good years together (23), some laughing and some crying together.

    Sorry for the rant and babble.

    T.J.

  4. #24
    DVFD kldugas412's Avatar
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    Smile Thanks

    HTML Code:
    Kldugas, that post brought tears to my eyes. Good for all of us to read. I hope you show what you wrote to your wife because it will mean a lot to her. She sounds like a wonderful woman and spouse - and it sounds like the two of you have what it takes. Thanks for posting.
    Best wishes,
    Amy 
    Amy,
    Thanks for the kind words; I may have to let my wife see this. And to think she always says I don't know how to express my feelings.

    HTML Code:
    Sorry for the rant and babble.
    TJ,
    Thatís not a rant or babble!!
    That's just how you feel.
    I'm truly sorry to here of your loss. She sounds like She was meant for you.
    I hope Iím as lucky as you.
    My prayers are with you.
    Just remember she will always be there for you looking after you at every call.
    God bless and Stay safe.

    When I read the First post it hit close to home, I didn't know how to react. I read a few more as the answers were posted and it hurt me to see some of them. We are grown adults looking for answers not children in high school. We don't have the luxury of playing the silly games of younger times. We have responsibilities and most of us have families to care for. It truly feels good to know i'm not alone.

    I would like to thank,
    Chief Woods and Chief LePore for there words of wisdom. This makes me believe that we are all brothers and we want to see all of our extended family succeed.
    I have been blessed that weíve had roll models like these great men in the fire service.
    Last edited by kldugas412; 05-09-2007 at 03:53 PM. Reason: spelling

    K Dugas
    Duson Vol.Fire Dept.
    FF1 Haz Mat OP's

  5. #25
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    Default Easy Decision

    Ditch the chick and take the job. There's a million other girls out there, but only one job like this.

  6. #26
    Forum Member FDAIC485's Avatar
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    As long as it is a career position, there should not be an issue. You will get enough excitement at your place of employment and all your off time can be given to family related functions. Where you run into problems is when you get "ate up" with the whole "jolly vollie" syndrome and start picking the FD over the wife and fam. I don't care what some may or may not say about dedication to his fellow citizen, you start leaving your wife and kids before or during big family events(holidays, birthday parties, graduations..etc,etc) there is going to be problems.

    I got a very cool wife.(She actually gets a little "excited" when I smell like a fire. It's awesome.) However, her time with me is her time with me, no excuses or exceptions. I've been with her close to 15 years (just as long as the FD) and I couldn't be happier.
    Last edited by FDAIC485; 05-15-2007 at 09:51 AM.
    I believe them bones are me. Some say we are born into the grave. I feel so alone, gonna end up a big ol' pile a them bones

    -J. Cantrell

  7. #27
    MembersZone Subscriber ROOKIELZ's Avatar
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    Ok; I am on both sides of the equation.
    My Husband was a VFF before we were married. I didn't quite get the idea of charging off and working your axe off for little appreciation. I wasn't thrilled with the notion of him gleefully putting his life on the line or setting himself up for (sometimes) emotional heartaches on the Rescue Squad.

    But I love him and he wanted to do it. All I asked was that he keep an eye on the danger level and promise to try and back out (yeah, right ) if it got too nasty. He's been at it for 15+ years.

    There were times when he would come home freezing in the middle of winter and I would roll over and cling to him to try and warm him up. Or listen to him as he vented about something stupid that happened, the general stupidity of a certain person, or the horrible things that he had just seen. At last, with love and support, he would drift off to sleep and I would end up awake with my mind going at 100 miles an hour and horrible visions in my head.

    I love him but I also learned that his dedication to "the job" is just one more indication of what a special guy I have. And he is going to take care of his family come heck or high water.

    I was approached to become a VFF by his chief. I thought ME???

    Eventually I did. I love it. And now I get it completely.

    I don't lay awake at nights wondering what he is doing and stressing about things. I know who he is with and how they take care of each other.

    I have come home from calls to find him waiting up for me. He has learned what that is all about; to be the one sitting at home waiting.

    The fire service has actually improved what was already a good marriage. But it took willingness for each to support the other as they found their way.

    If that is not happening...well...I'm not going to say it. You know what to do; it just sucks sometimes to have to do it.

    I hope this helps.

    ROOK
    IACOJ
    If you are willing to teach;
    I am willing to learn.

  8. #28
    DVFD kldugas412's Avatar
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    Default Nice!!

    Nice Rook,
    Sounds like you have the best of both worlds. Great to here someone cares in this day and age. Hope you have many more great yrs together.
    Last edited by kldugas412; 05-15-2007 at 12:17 PM. Reason: typo

    K Dugas
    Duson Vol.Fire Dept.
    FF1 Haz Mat OP's

  9. #29
    Forum Member FDAIC485's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by kldugas412 View Post
    Great to here someone cares in this day and age.
    What do you mean by that?
    I believe them bones are me. Some say we are born into the grave. I feel so alone, gonna end up a big ol' pile a them bones

    -J. Cantrell

  10. #30
    DVFD kldugas412's Avatar
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    Smile I'll explain

    FDAIC485,

    Iíll explain, like yourself we are very lucky to have a caring loved one at home that worries about us when we are gone. I was referring to all of the negative posts. I will not mention names, as I do not want to have a ****ing contest on the computer.

    It goes in hand that ROOK was not in a Dept. but supported her husband in times of need. Bye doing so she found that she too loved the fire service. Maybe Just one Wife or Husband of a FF that has doubts of the career that there spouse has chosen or wants to choose. Will read this post and it will help them understand how caring the Fire Service is.
    This post should not be oh well just dump the B!$ch and get on with your career.

    I also understand that this is an open post and everyone is entitled to his or her own opinions. That is why I do not like to debate issues on this these forums. I will say my .02 and let it be at that.

    What I will do is complement those that I feel have the same views as my self. I will also express my gratitude to those who from their experiences have someing to teach. I believe we all are destine to fail if we do not learn from our Brothers and Sisters that have come before us and defined this Fire Service, as we know it today.

    P.S. I too know what you mean, ďher time with me is her time with me, no excuses or exceptions.Ē
    I too set time aside with my family also. Do not get me wrong sometimes it is the second hardest thing I have to do (Watch the engine leave for a hot call and not go to it because I have promised to do something with them, set time aside for my wife or little girl.)
    The hardest thing I have to do is leave them to go to work (Itís not in the fire service) I have to sleep away from home for 14-21 days at a time. In return I get 14-21 off.
    Last edited by kldugas412; 05-15-2007 at 03:25 PM. Reason: spelling

    K Dugas
    Duson Vol.Fire Dept.
    FF1 Haz Mat OP's

  11. #31
    MembersZone Subscriber Paddiegrunt's Avatar
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    Have you sat down and talked to her about it and what scares her?
    Slop sink, Flags and pump 150
    Getting there is half the fun

  12. #32
    Forum Member FDAIC485's Avatar
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    KLD..... with that type of work schedule you must be in the oil business. Regardless, good post and I copy you lemma-charlie.

    Sidenote:
    PaddieGrunt....You're from the Paintball Capital of the world!
    Last edited by FDAIC485; 05-16-2007 at 08:11 PM.
    I believe them bones are me. Some say we are born into the grave. I feel so alone, gonna end up a big ol' pile a them bones

    -J. Cantrell

  13. #33
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    Tell her to-bad, I told my wife she can like it or leave it, 8 years later, she's still here and I still have the best job in the world. We are both very happy, and I don't tell her everything that happens on sceene.

  14. #34
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    Default BCLepore;791908

    just wanted to thank BCLepore;791908 and his wife for the insight. i realy enjoyed it. thanks

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    I wanted to chime in and say that I am from the same line of thought as ROOK. My husband talked to me about joining the volunteer dept 6 years ago when I was pregnant with our (1st and only) child. I had a hard time understanding (especially with pregnancy emotions), but we talked about it A LOT. He explained exactly why he wanted to do it and what it meant to him. I love him enough to know how important it was to him, and I knew that deep down he would resent me if I didn't give him my blessing to do it. I have watched him become a very dedicated firefighter that loves what he does. Did it bother me, when in the middle of my baby shower, he and our child's godfather rushed out for a fire when all my family was there? A little. But watching how proud he was and the friends he (and I) made was so worth it.

    As time went on, I started doing more with the department, helping at fundraisers, and with a push from some of the other guys on the department, I joined last summer, and I finished my FF1 certification class in January of this year. It has become our 2nd family. We have made a lot of friends with the guys on the department and they adore our son and treat me great (I am the only woman firefighter on the dept).

    Wanted to give another story from the woman's side. And all of you that say to just ditch her and get another woman, hope you enjoy being old and alone. I have seen it many times.... Nothing sexy about a middle aged bald man thinking young chicks still dig him just because he's a fireman.

    Beth

  16. #36
    Forum Member Higby916's Avatar
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    I think we can all understand her fears of you becoming a firefighter, there are inherent risks, whether they be fears of injury/death or disease. The important thing for her to know is the good that comes out of the job and the training that you put into it to be sure you come home every day. She doesn't need to know the gory details, but I bet it would help if you told her bits here and there so she knows what you do, but doesn't have to hear the dangers.
    I am the woman in the equation here, and I will admit that my Ex was not comfortable with me putting my life into this career and we eventually split before I was hired. It was a blessing in disguise because I was then able to apply to other cities and not worry about moving a family. I have parents who worry a great deal, but I'm careful to tell them certain stories, and am always sure to point out the safety of the job and ensure them that things are not always as dangerous as they appear (it seems to work.. lol).

    Sometimes the spouse just needs reassurance that you will be okay, that you will be well trained, that you will have brothers/sisters around you to help ensure your safety, that you are not alone in this job, that you will be part of a family bigger than could ever be imagined, that you (and she) will have support also beyond imaginable, and that this will be a part of your (and her) life. It's not just a job, you don't choose it, it chooses you. You would kick your *** for the rest of your life if you chose a woman who was not supportive over this career...

  17. #37

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    Quote Originally Posted by hoosierdaddy View Post
    Sorry, I did not know where to post this question.

    My fiancee is not entirely keen on me wanting to be a firefighter. I don't think she understands why I want to do it; she thinks I have a death wish. Anyways, is firefighting a job one should get into before getting married or am I being selfish to want to get into it after getting married?
    She's the one who is selfish. What we do is the most selfless thing anyone can. Find a new girlfriend.

  18. #38
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    I wanted to add to my post above that there is a chance that she won't understand no matter what you do, and the above poster, although harsh, is right then that she is the one being selfish. The point of my earlier post is that you should try hard to explain it to her and talk about how important it is to you if you really love her. I don't think you should just ditch any woman that doesn't like you being a fireman right off the bat though without giving it a little time. If she does truly love you, she will come around. If not, then, well, you know that this isn't the only thing she will try to hold you back from.

    Beth

  19. #39
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    Agreed - Dump her - try hooters

  20. #40
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    I want to thank everyone for their advice...even those I don't necessarily agree with. She's not just my girlfriend...we're getting married in August. I could agree if I already were a firefighter and she didn't like it; we'd have to break up. But I wondered if I was being selfish trying to become a firefighter after I'm married. Thanks again everyone.

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