From Toxic to Transformative: How to Rebuild Yourself as a Leader

Many leadership articles and blogs focus on identifying the traits of toxic leaders and how they affect their teams. Keep in mind: When you label a senior firefighter, fire officer or battalion chief as “toxic,” you might as well paint a giant red “T” on that person’s turnout gear.

When I read through the characteristics of toxic leadership, it seems to me as though every person who has held or currently holds a leadership position has exhibited or demonstrated some, if not all, of those characteristics at some point in their career. Humans are fallible, after all. There could have been a time when a leader was a bit selfish or didn’t feel 100 percent and slipped a bit. It might have been a short burst or a sustained action.

Unfortunately, the aforementioned articles rarely address how people who have the toxic label attached to them can dig themselves out.

The perfect leader doesn’t exist; just like everything else in this world, it’s on a spectrum. What helps “toxic” leaders to move their position a bit from wherever they feel that they are? It’s about change.

Leadership-bashing: An easy escape

Blaming leaders has become America’s pastime. We have become so hyperfocused on leadership that it almost is to the point of pathological. It reached the point where it’s a logical path to blame leadership for any dysfunction or failure. Not enough people hold themselves accountable and take responsibility for their actions.

When I try to search for overcoming toxic leadership, all I get are articles about the characteristics of toxic leadership, blaming and the negative effect on the culture. I’m not denying it, but why don’t we do something to help those leaders who are struggling? I can’t help but also wonder what it’s doing to the psyche or mental health of those leaders who believe that they’re doing or set out to do a good job. Talk about burnout!

Fire service leaders are expected to show strength under pressure, vulnerability after tragedy and composure during chaos. With expectations this high, it’s understandable that many struggle to bear the weight. We work so hard on raising awareness and preserving the mental health of frontline people, but what about those leaders who came up through the ranks with the “shove it down deep” message from their leaders? It’s ironic that the people who now are in leadership positions are the ones to care for the mental health of others when no one was/is worried about theirs.

Most people who step into a leadership role don’t do it with malicious intent. (Those who do are the toxic leaders in the truest sense.) Many people who stepped up did so out of necessity, or they genuinely believed that they were doing the right thing and that they could make things better. However, let’s be honest: Some of the leadership-bashing is an easy escape for many. It’s much easier to criticize than to lead. The easy path is to write down or verbalize 10 ways that your boss is toxic rather than to explore the complexities of leadership. Mixed into that noise, there are genuine critiques that are rooted in pain, truth and a desire for better leadership.

Starting point

Many will say that taking the blame is part of being a leader, that leaders know and accept that going into it, and that leadership entails a higher level of responsibility. I also argue that there are aspects that a leader can’t be responsible for; another person’s lack of growth because of that individual’s issues can’t be attributed to a leader who has provided opportunities, avenues and resources.

Toxic or even destructive leadership isn’t a fixed identity. Very few people are born leaders; the traits of leadership are learned from parents, society, previous leaders and the media. Just about anything in the world to which we are exposed influences us as people and leaders. So, you might have had bad experiences and learned patterns of behavior, but the choice is yours to stay or grow. What actions can help to spark toxic leaders to interrupt or replace those patterns?

Take inventory

Chances are that if you’re reading this, you desire to change or have recognized a need to change. So, start with the self. Look into the mirror. You might have been doing this for many years, but have you ever really looked? Of course, I don’t mean a literal mirror. You know what you look like on the outside, but what about on the inside? Who are you? What do you value?

Ego avoids the mirror; leadership looks into it.

This is the most challenging and crucial element. It takes brutal honesty, and if you aren’t brutally honest with yourself, you will take a path or action that doesn’t stem from the proper foundation. Toxic behaviors often manifest from or into egocentric actions as defense mechanisms to hide insecurity, fear or trauma.

Questions to ask yourself to help to do the deep dive are:

• Do people feel psychologically safe around me?
• Am I quick to take credit but slow to take the blame?
• Do I control more than I trust?
• Are my standards so rigid that they choke initiative?

If you’re unsure, tools that you can use include 360-degree feedback surveys, executive coaching or therapy, and direct conversations with trusted peers.

The goal isn’t to prove others wrong; it’s to understand yourself.

Understand the roots

The behavior of the toxic leader usually is just the symptom. What lies underneath that’s driving this train?

Many leaders are individuals who excelled in their position and were recognized for their hard work and dedication through promotion. Many toxic leaders were high performers who were promoted for their competence rather than their emotional intelligence. Others might have grown up in dysfunctional environments and brought unresolved trauma into the workplace.

To transform, explore:

• Are you trying to protect your ego?
• When did control, intimidation or perfectionism become your default?
• What part of you feels unsafe letting go?

The most difficult question, though, is why? Why did you say yes to the offer of leadership? Where does your desire to lead come from? Do you even have a desire to lead?

Professional coaching, counseling and journaling will help tremendously here. This isn’t weakness; it’s maturity.

Take ownership, loudly and early

Once you understand the problem, own the heck out of it, privately and publicly. It’s OK to say, “Hey, everyone, I messed up. I’ve reflected and realized that I haven’t always led in ways that bring out your best. I’ve fallen into patterns that I’m working to change. I want to do better, and I’m asking for your help in that process.”

You aren’t offering apologies here. What’s done is done. It’s about rebuilding trust through vulnerability. People will give you a second chance if you’re honest, consistent and willing to walk the talk. The ownership must be absolute. You can’t say, “Yeah, I own that,” and then don’t do anything differently or keep making the same mistake.

Servant leadership mindset

The antidote to toxic leadership isn’t silence or softness; it’s service. Shifting from “power over” to “power with” means:

• Listening more than you speak.
• Asking, “How can I support you?” What do you need from me to be successful?”
• Creating space for disagreement.
• Making people feel safe to challenge ideas without fear.

This mindset change is seismic. It turns leadership from a control center into a trust engine. Taking care of your people doesn’t mean coddling and letting them plop down into the recliner first thing. It means taking care of their well-being by providing them with the tools that they need to not only survive but also thrive. Being a fire service leader isn’t about being the loudest or staying up the latest; it’s about being the first to question, “How can I help us be more prepared for the next run?”

Build feedback into the culture

Hold yourself accountable. This is a big ol’ gigantic horse pill to swallow. You must be adult enough to handle the harsh criticism, because it’s going to be. When evaluations are done correctly by leaders, the person who is evaluated should know what’s on it before they even read it. The same goes for your evaluation of yourself.

Set up systems that keep you honest. Ask for feedback in every one-on-one. Create anonymous surveys quarterly. Have a coach or a peer to keep you accountable for your growth goals. Let your team know that they can call you out respectfully—and then reward them when they do. Feedback isn’t a threat; it’s a guidepost.

Model the culture you want

Be the leader that you always have needed. Culture is shaped by what you tolerate—and what you embody.

• To achieve psychological safety, practice humility.
• If you want initiative, stop micromanaging. Let the horses run.
• If you want accountability, be the first to admit your own mistakes.
• Transformation isn’t a one-time event when you say, “Sorry, everyone.” It’s a lifestyle change of integrity, growth and humility.

Change is possible if you’re willing

No one is born a toxic leader. Most never set out to hurt others. Somewhere along the way, stress, ego, fear or pain distorted their leadership voice. They don’t have to stay there.

The journey from toxic to transformative is one of the most courageous paths that a leader can take. It isn’t about perfection; it’s about intention. If you’re ready to change and rip off the red “T,” do the work, lose the ego, take a bit of a slice of humble pie. Better yet, eat the whole damn thing and pick up those irons of transformation. Your crew might just follow you back into the grind, not because they must, but because they want to.