The Flipside of Leadership: The Conversation You Keep Avoiding

Welcome back to The Flipside of the Firehouse. This is where we talk about the things that don't always make it into reports, policies, or training manuals. The real conversations, the tension, the leadership moments that happen in the bay and around the kitchen table. The things that actually shape a crew, for better or worse.

I get it, I truly do. I have sat with sailors, coached clients, and sat in bunk rooms when these conversations happened. They were not fun. Not one bit. But they were necessary.

I can remember one about not wanting to be on this earth anymore. One about how in the world someone was ever going to see their child again. One about how they did not feel right in the body they were given and felt more comfortable when they looked different. I had a squadron full of U.S. Navy sailors I was entrusted to lead, and those conversations came with that responsibility, whether I wanted them to or not.

Some of those conversations, I had zero desire to have. But they had to happen, because if they did not, I was not doing the job I was entrusted to do as a Command Master Chief. And more than that, if I avoided them, the mission would have been compromised, or even worse.

And that is really the point. Most difficult conversations are not these massive, headline moments. They are the small ones, the irritating ones. The ones that sit just under the surface, slowly eating people.

I remember a young lieutenant coming in, stressed out about the debt his family was in and not knowing how to get out of it. I remember walking into my Executive Officer’s office and telling him he needed to go talk to the skipper and let him know he was being run into the ground and needed to go home and see his family. I remember sitting with that same skipper behind closed doors and telling him there was no way he was about to walk out and say what he thought he was going to say to the squadron.

Those conversations were not comfortable. They were not scripted and they were not clean. But, they were necessary.

It might be a peer you are close with, and you know they are not living up to the standard. It might be someone you just promoted over, and now you have to lead them. It might even be walking into the chief’s office and telling her what is really going on.

There is no perfect script for it, there never is. There is just the decision to have it.

And there is a conversation sitting in your firehouse right now that everybody knows about, but nobody is having.

You can feel it the second you walk through the door. It shows up in how people talk to each other, or how they stop talking altogether. It shows up in side comments, eye rolls, and that quiet tension that hangs around longer than it should. You have seen it with the firefighter who is slipping yet keeps getting a pass, or the officer who gets the job done but leaves people worn out in their wake. You have seen it between shifts, where it turns into a quiet competition instead of one team moving in the same direction.

This is not rare. It is normal. What is not normal is when leaders pretend it is not there.

Because the truth is, that conversation is already happening. It is just happening everywhere except where it needs to happen. It is happening in the bay, in the bunk room, in text threads, and on the ride back from calls. It is happening in pieces, through assumptions and opinions, without clarity or ownership. 

And when that happens, people start filling in the blanks. They start telling themselves stories about what is really going on. About what leadership is doing or not doing. About what the standard actually is. And those stories spread fast. Faster than facts ever will. Once they take hold, they are hard to pull back.

We like to say communication is the problem, but most of the time, it is not.

Most of the time, we are just avoiding the conversation that would actually fix it and I understand why.

Most leaders do not avoid these conversations because they do not care. They avoid them because they know what comes with them. They know one bad delivery can shut someone down or make things worse. They know once it starts, they have to see it through.

But if we are honest, most of us were never taught how to do this part of leadership. We were taught how to perform, respond, and operate under pressure. We were not taught how to sit down with someone and work through tension in a way that actually helps.

So we fall back on personality. Some go straight at it, hard and direct, thinking that is clarity. Others soften it so much that the message never really lands. Neither one works consistently, because both are more about our comfort than the outcome.

And there is another layer to this in the firehouse. We live together, eat together and spend long hours together. It is easy to justify putting something off because you do not want to make the next 24 hours uncomfortable.

But when you put it off, it does not go away. It grows. Standards start to slide depending on who you are dealing with. The crew notices it, even if nobody says it out loud. The ones doing it right start to feel it first. They start asking themselves why they are holding the line when others are not. Those who need correction stay in the gray area longer than they should, and eventually, that gray area becomes acceptable.

Then it becomes normal. And now it is culture and that is when leaders start feeling like they are dealing with the same problems over and over again. It is not because new problems are showing up. It is because the original ones were never actually handled.

This is where the basics start to break down. And like we talk about all the time, you do not rise to the occasion, you fall back on your training. If having these conversations is not part of how you operate, then avoiding them will be your default when things get uncomfortable.

At some point, you have to shift how you see this.  These are not “difficult conversations," and they are part of the job.

This is no different than checking your equipment, running drills, or reviewing a call. This is maintenance for your crew.

This is not about confrontation. This is about clarity. It is about making sure people understand what is expected and where they stand. It is about protecting the crew and keeping things moving in the right direction.

When done right, it actually reduces tension rather than creating it.

And here is something that is worth remembering. Most of the time, the person you need to talk to already knows something is off. They just do not know exactly what it is or how to fix it.

That is where you come in. 

If you want something simple to take back to your next shift, keep it basic. Start with what you are seeing, not what you think is going on. Stick to what is observable and leave intent out. That alone changes the tone. Then connect it to why it matters. Not just to you, but to the crew, the calls, and the bigger picture. People respond differently when they understand the impact. Then shift to what happens next. Ask what needs to change and what they need to get there. That is where ownership starts.

And do not assume anything. Just ask them to walk you through how they see it - that one question alone can clear up more than we think.

This is not about being perfect. It is about being consistent. Because there is something that happens in every firehouse, whether we say it out loud or not. When people stop bringing issues forward, it is not because everything is running smoothly. It is because they have decided it is not worth it and difficult conversations sit right in the middle of that. When they are avoided, the message is clear. Things will be discussed, just not directly.

When leaders step into them the right way, the message shifts. This is a place where expectations matter. This is a place where people are developed, not ignored. And over time, that builds trust.

There is a concept in traction about having the right person in the right seat, and part of that is being willing to have the conversation when something is off. What stuck with me was not just the idea, but the reality behind it. Leaders will carry the weight of that decision for days, sometimes weeks, building it up in their heads. Then the conversation finally happens, and within a short amount of time, things settle. The team adjusts, the tension drops and life moves on.

That is how most of these conversations go. The lead-up is the hardest part. The aftermath is usually a lot quieter than we expect. The firehouse is no different. The conversation you are avoiding is already taking up space. You might as well have it and give that space back to your crew.

And here is the part that does not get said enough. They actually want you to do it.

They want a leader who leads. They want to know where the line is. They want to be held to a standard, even if they do not always say it out loud. Most firefighters are not waking up looking to cut corners or miss the mark. They want to do the job right. They want to be part of a crew that operates at a high level. What they do not want is confusion, inconsistency, or wondering where they stand.

That is what these conversations provide. Not just correction, but clarity. Not just accountability, but direction.

At the end of the day, this does not have to be complicated. There is no exotic manual for this. No perfect script. No magic set of words that makes it all land clean. It is just a conversation. Two people sitting down and talking.

We are humans before we are ranks, titles, or positions. When you keep it that simple, it takes the pressure off. You do not need to have it all figured out before you start. You do not need to say it perfectly. You just need to be willing to sit down, be real, and talk. Most of the time, that is what people are looking for anyway.

That’s leadership.

As always…
If something in this column makes you pause…
If it creates an “ah-ha” moment…
If it causes you to see something differently…
Or if it’s something you dismiss now but remember later when you need it…
Then it’s doing its job.

That’s why I’m here. That’s the “flipside." Thanks for reading, until next month.