“You walk around this house with such anger. Why do you act so angry?” Has a loved one ever spoken these words to you? The initial response, in a loud retort, may be “I am not angry!” Then you storm off to some other part of the house to avoid confrontation, discussion or possibly to ward off the belief that the words hit home.
Anger issues
As founder of Firefighter Behavioral Health Alliance (FBHA), I can say that these past five years have been enlightening for me, both personally and professionally. FBHA has tracked and validated more than 900 firefighters and EMT suicides, as of this writing. I have personally spoken to more than 800 fire and EMS chiefs to hear the sad stories of our brothers and sisters who have taken their lives. FBHA travels more than 100,000 air miles a year presenting to fire and EMS organizations about behavioral health and suicide awareness/prevention. Through this process, I have met thousands of my brothers and sisters who want to know more about themselves and why they act the way they do. Anger is one of their concerns.
Years ago we surveyed fire and EMS personnel and came up with our Top 5 warning signs for suicide. The list consisted of:
- Recklessness/impulsive actions
- Anger
- Isolation
- Loss of confidence in skills and abilities
- Sleep deprivation
There is no particular order but there it is in the list—anger.
Speaking with thousands of firefighters and EMS personnel over the years has opened my eyes, not only to how they are feeling or acting but also to how I act at times! There are times I just need to be alone to decompress, yet my first actions or words are based in anger. Why? In some cases, it is simply because my wife wanted to talk about something. I have become more aware that I need to talk to her if I’m ever going to explain what I need for me and from her. This can only be accomplished through talking. No magic here, just talk! The same holds true in so many situations with other people in our life—co-workers, family members, friends, neighbors, strangers, you name it.
Anger can appear for unknown reasons. Over the years, I’ve looked at how anger can at times mask fear. Maybe we scored low in promotional tests and our first reaction is to blame the administration, the testing process or other candidates who “suck up” to officers for better scores. When we are angry, we look for others to side with us, to justify that we should have been ranked higher in the scoring process. In reality, we might question ourselves as to why we didn’t score better or try to understand our weaknesses. It’s likely the case that our anger is masking a fear—perhaps a fear of failure that we won’t get promoted or that we won’t advance in the course we expected.
As noted, anger has shown up in our suicide data as well. Within the 945 firefighter and EMS suicides, we have validated that 46 are murder-suicide events. There have been some where depression played a role in these tragic events, but the majority of cases appear to have an anger-affected outcome.
So it is reality check time. How many of you reading this article have been told by a loved one that “You’ve changed”? When my wife said those words to me years ago, I thought it was ridiculous, that I was still that same happy-go-lucky person she married when we were 19. Heck no! That person is long gone. If you are in fire or EMS, you have changed. How can we not? Considering the cultural brainwashing of how we are “supposed” to act (strong, brave, capable of handling any situation on our own), connected with the tragedies we have seen, and then the lack of behavioral health training, we are primed to have some issues in our lives.
For many of us, anger has been one of the first emotions we display when we don’t understand why we act the way we do. We all need to do what is called an “Internal Size-up." We need to step back and look at our own lives. We need to question why we feel or act the way we do when those emotions are not warranted for the issue at hand. Why do we react in a way that causes us to feel guilty minutes or hours later? Maybe it’s because you don’t understand yourself. This can cause frustration. Believe me, I know; I have been there. Questioning our actions and words is part of the process of doing your own Internal Size-Up, and that is a good thing.
Moving forward
The good news: Anger, anxiety, stress or whatever emotion you are dealing with can be helped. The first step though, my brothers and sisters, is to admit that there are emotions or reactions you are dealing with that you just don’t understand. This is perfectly acceptable because of our lack of behavioral health training. We were never told back in the academy that you are going to feel this way because of the horrific scenes, the mass shootings, lack of sleep and other challenges of the job. But it is our time, it is YOUR time to take back control of your life by seeking help from qualified professionals who understand our culture. The greatest advice I can give you is to talk, talk, talk. Even if you don’t understand it, getting it out is the first step to good mental health, not only for your time on the job but also well into retirement.
When members of FBHA present across the United States and Canada, our goal is to inspire attendees to get involved with their organization’s behavioral health programs. This can come in many forms, such as creating local resources of trained counselors and chaplains who know the fire and EMS culture. Train your Employee Assistance Program (EAP) counselors about the job. Maybe join a CISM or Peer Support Team. Develop policies and procedures on behavioral health. Create training programs for your members, fire/EMS academies and officers.
How do you start? Through education. Education is the key to everything. When we begin to understand what depression, addictions, anger, suicidal ideations and so many other emotions are, we become a little less afraid of dealing with these issues. When we begin to understand why we act the way we do, it becomes a little easier to seek help.
Do not be afraid of your emotions! Take them on. Control the situation just like any fire or EMS incident. Don’t do this for anyone but yourself. We are all accountable for our actions, and by understanding our emotions, we are then able to move forward to a more relaxing life with our families and our own souls.
In the end, the fire and EMS services are still just a job—a job that might last 20, 25, 30 years—but your family and your happiness are for a lifetime.
Stay safe, my brothers and sisters!
